She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
