so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
