this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
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