Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
