I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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