i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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