i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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