Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
