The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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