Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
