Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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