Someone shit on the floor
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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