Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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