the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Randomize
