I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Randomize
