You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Randomize
