There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
