I skipped work to stalk him.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
