also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
