the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize