i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
