I can text with my tongue
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Randomize
