you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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