I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
