The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Randomize
