It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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