My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
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