it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
