you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
