I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
