bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize