One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I want to fling myself into the sun
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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