I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
