I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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