Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
