So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
