Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Randomize
