What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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