Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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