Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
