just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I got inside last night via doggy door
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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