My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
