I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
