tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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