Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Shame is for Republicans.
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