Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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