my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
