i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
