Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
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