I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
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