if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Randomize
