Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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