he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
