I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
