Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize