His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
Randomize
