his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
