but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
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