you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
