We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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