It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
time to smoke my breakfast
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
