I think I died a long time ago.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Randomize
